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Twilight  - Stephenie Meyer How To Tell If Your Boyfriend Is A Vampire (A Handy Guide!)

1. He repeatedly tells you he's bad for you...

"It's better if we're not friends," he explained. "Trust me."

"Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest."

"I'm warning you now that I'm not a good friend for you."

"If you're smart, you'll avoid me."

"Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else."

2. ...but won't leave you alone.

"I said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be."

"It would be more...
prudent for you not to be my friend," he explained. "But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella. Will you go with me to Seattle?"

"I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."

3. You spend a lot of time being afraid he's angry at you...

"Edward Cullen is staring at you," Jessica giggled in my ear.
"He doesn't look angry, does he?" I couldn't help asking.

I stared up at him, afraid that I had crossed the wrong line.

I parked on the narrow shoulder and stepped out, afraid because he was angry with me.

4. ...because it's impossible to predict what will set him off.

He muttered something under his breath, speaking so quickly that I couldn't understand. We were silent for the rest of the drive. I could feel the waves of infuriated disapproval rolling off of him, and I could think of nothing to say.

And he was gone, his hand ripped from mine. In the time it took my eyes to focus, he was twenty feet away, standing at the edge of the small meadow, in the deep shade of a huge fir tree. He stared at me, his eyes dark in the shadows, his expression unreadable.
I could feel the hurt and shock on my face. My empty hands stung.

"Exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do."

5. His behavior is very threatening...

He lowered the automatic window and leaned toward me across the seat. "Get in, Bella."
I didn't answer. I was mentally calculating my chances of reaching the truck before he could catch me. I had to admit, they weren't good.
"I'll just drag you back," he threatened, guessing my plan.

Holy crow!" I shouted. "Slow down!"
"What's wrong?"
"You're going a hundred miles an hour!"
"Relax, Bella." He rolled his eyes, still not slowing.

"Your driving frightens me."
He rolled his eyes. "Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving."

"As it happens, I don't mind being alone with you."
"I know," he sighed, brooding. "You should tell Charlie, though."
"Why in the world would I do that?"
"To give me some small incentive to bring you back."

"As if you could outrun me," he laughed bitterly.
He reached up with one hand and, with a deafening crack, effortlessly ripped a two-foot-thick branch from the trunk of the spruce. He balanced it in that hand for a moment, and then threw it with blinding speed, shattering it against another huge tree, which shook and trembled at the blow.

"I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident."

"I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake."

And then he was running.
If I'd ever feared death before in his presence, it was nothing compared to how I felt now.

6. ...and he enjoys it when you're hurt or frightened.

"Did I frighten you?" Yes, there was definitely humor there.

"Be careful," he warned as I struggled. "I think you hit your head pretty hard."
I became aware of a throbbing ache centered above my left ear.
"Ow," I said, surprised.
"That's what I thought." His voice, amazingly, sounded like he was suppressing laughter.

"Just stay put for now."
"But it's cold," I complained. It surprised me when he chuckled under his breath. There was an edge to the sound.

The doctor's cool fingers probed lightly along my skull. He noticed when I winced.
"Tender?" he asked.
"Not really." I'd had worse.
I heard a chuckle, and looked over to see Edward's patronizing smile.

"I think I need help," I admitted.
He laughed quietly.

I whirled, one hand flying to my throat in surprise.
He lay, smiling hugely, across my bed, his hands behind his head, his feet dangling off the end, the picture of ease.
"Oh!" I breathed, sinking unsteadily to the floor.
"I'm sorry." He pressed his lips together, trying to hide his amusement.

"You look awful," he told me, grinning.

7. He constantly monitors your actions, your movements, even conversations with friends. He knows things about you he shouldn't be able to know.

"I followed you to Port Angeles," he admitted.

He reached the door ahead of me and opened it for me. I paused halfway through the frame.
"The door was unlocked?"
"No, I used the key from under the eave."
I stepped inside, flicked on the porch light, and turned to look at him with my eyebrows raised. I was sure I'd never used that key in front of him.
"I was curious about you."
"You spied on me?"
He was unrepentant. "What else is there to do at night?"

"I come here almost every night."
I whirled, stunned. "Why?"
"You're interesting when you sleep." He spoke matter-of-factly. "You talk."

"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind...her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that."

"All that next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to."

"Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition – unless you're afraid someone might steal it."
"All right," I agreed, pursing my lips. I was pretty sure my key was in the pocket of a pair of jeans I wore Wednesday, under a pile of clothes in the laundry room. Even if he broke into my house, or whatever he was planning, he'd never find it. [He totally finds it. We never learn how.]

8. He's very possessive.

His eyes shifted their focus slightly, looking over my shoulder and narrowing. I glanced behind me to see Mike's back as he walked away.
"What?" I demanded.
"Newton's getting on my nerves."

"Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to the dance?"
I nodded. "The day you started talking to me again."
"I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I felt."

"I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry." [He's talking about going away because he thinks he may not be able to stop himself from killing her. So, translation: I'd rather kill you than see you with someone else. Lovely.]

"I'm sorry if there's been some kind of miscommunication, but Bella is unavailable tonight." Edward's tone changed, and the threat in his voice was suddenly much more evident as he continued. "To be perfectly honest, she'll be unavailable every night, as far as anyone besides myself is concerned." [To a guy who had the nerve to ask Bella out on a date.]

"I'm not mad at Billy," he corrected in a clipped voice. "But his son is irritating me." [His son, Jacob, danced for a few minutes with Bella at the Prom.]

9. He wants to know absolutely everything about you. Not in bits and pieces as your relationship develops, but right away.

It continued like that for the rest of the day. While he walked me to English, when he met me after Spanish, all through the lunch hour, he questioned me relentlessly about every insignificant detail of my existence.

10. He insults you, denigrates you, and treats you like a child.

"Bella, it's not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant."

"Do you want a ride to Seattle?"
"With who?" I asked, mystified.
"Myself, obviously." He enunciated every syllable, as if he were talking to someone mentally handicapped.

His smile was condescending now.

"You've got a bit of a temper, don't you?"

We were near the parking lot now. I veered left, toward my truck. Something caught my jacket, yanking me back.
"Where do you think you're going?" he asked.

"Don't you have a jacket?" His voice was disapproving.

"Be careful. The child has no idea."
I bridled a little at the word
child. "Jacob is not that much younger than I am," I reminded him.
He looked at me then, his anger abruptly fading. "Oh, I know," he assured me with a grin.

"Don't be difficult, Bella."

11. And he always has to have his own way. ALWAYS.

"Honestly, I'm not hungry," I insisted.
"Humor me."
He walked to the door of the restaurant and held it open with an obstinate expression. Obviously, there would be no further discussion.

"Drink," he ordered.

"Tell me," he finally commanded after persuasion failed.

Oh, wait. Vampires aren't real. This list won't help you check if your boyfriend's a vampire.

It'll sure help you figure out if your boyfriend is abusive and/or a stalker, though. And sadly, those do exist.

I'm not here to trash people who enjoy this book. I wrote this review because I'm worried about the girls who buy merch that says "I'M JUST A BELLA WAITING FOR MY EDWARD." Don't ever say or think that about yourself. Don't be that girl.

Be a woman. Be a grownup. Write your own story. Don't depend on a guy to come along and do it for you.

And for Pete's sake, if a moody, brooding guy says, "I'm dangerous. You should stay away from me," say, "You're right! Except actually, you'd better stay away from me. Or I'll drop some dynamite on your sparkly little dangler. Bye!"

And then go have some adventures of your very own, and live happily ever after.