My Dear Granddaughter,
You're old enough to know the TRUTH about what it was like to live on a plantation, as opposed to all this Yankee nonsense you may have heard. It may be 1909, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten how awesome it was fifty years ago and more, back when people understood that those lazy blacks were just not going to do a lick of work unless you made them. And how else could you make someone work unless you owned them? It's just a duh!
Anyway. Once upon a time, life was awesome. We had parties all the time, and even on ordinary days, everything was wonderful and the food was fantastic. Our darkies loved us and we were totes nice to them, no matter what that stupid Frederick Douglass may have written about his
life. He just doesn't understand the special bond Southerners had with their slaves. I mean, yeah, okay, he was
a slave – but he didn't own
any slaves, did he? So he totally doesn't get what it was really like.
Plus we gave our slaves all the sweet potatoes we thought they wanted, so he and those other former slaves can just stop whining about how awful their lives were. I mean, have they seen
what it's like in Africa? Nothing but war and fighting and horribleness! That's what blacks are like when they don't have Southerners around to civilize them! It's science! And geography! And all kinds of other educational branches!
Anyway. Life was great for everybody. Then, all of a sudden, for TOTALLY NO REASON, those Yankees decided they hated us and started being really really mean.
Here's how bad the war was for my family: we didn't have any coffee. Or tea. Seriously! Those damned Yankees were HORRIBLE to us! They even stole my best friend's piano! I was able to save my harp, so things weren't as bad as they could have been, but still.
The Yankees did a lot
of looting during that war, and does anybody care? No! They just keep jabbering on about slavery and civil rights and things! And I'm all, "Hello! I did
mention my best friend's piano, right?" Priorities, people!
Anyway. Things have changed, my darling granddaughter, but never forget the good old days! I sure haven't!